DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Betty Ann,

I finally got my dream job!  Cashier at a local dress shop.  It was pretty much just timing and connections—my best friend works there, and the girl who used to have my job disappeared mysteriously (or that’s what the police say anyway).  Lots of the cashiers here tend to disappear, actually.  It’s probably because the owner turns them into dogs and eats their tongues as part of a Satanic beauty ritual.  But who can argue with the results!  I’ve seen pictures, and she doesn’t look a day older than she did in 1890.

Anyway, so me and my friend were at her house the other day, and I went upstairs for, like, ten seconds to reapply my make-up—I always keep a tube of lipstick in my fannypack.  But when I came back, she’d turned my friend into one of her dogs.  I don’t want to get on my boss’ bad side, but I also feel bad for my friend.  I stole my boss’ mystical mirror and could probably put an end to all this, but she said if I gave the mirror back that she’d give me a makeover.  She really is very beautiful, and I would like to see what Satan could do for my looks.  How can I release my inner beauty without being a bad friend?

Sincerely,

The Beauty Without

* * *

Dear B.W.,

It’s never a good idea to jump into a religion at the urging of a single person, no matter how much you admire her.  A Satanic beauty cult might sound good now, but who knows what the rest of high school will bring.  It may not seem so “hip” when the other kids are going to prom but you’re stuck at home cutting out the tongues of animals for your Satanic priestess.

Of course, I know the idea of having to go back to school with a large dog for a friend must be mortifying.  The fact of the matter is that friends outgrow each other.  Your friend must have understood that your relationship would change some once she switched into a dog.  That said, you still have a responsibility not to allow her tongue to be eaten by a witch.

Have you ever read the Animorphs series by K.A. Applegate?  It goes into a lot of detail about the toll that a permanent animal morph can take on a person’s social life, and it might be useful to you in this difficult time.

Best of luck,

Betty Ann

  • 8 October 2012