Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Kiki,

I love music.  In fact, I love music so much that I inadvertently lured alien invaders.  You see, my friend’s dad has this machine that can send and receive messages from deep space, and I used it to send an atonal keyboard riff out to another solar system.  Anyway, apparently the aliens over there interpret music as language and thought I was saying “we are your toys”—leading a child alien to come here and kidnap me:

How can I use this experience to further my music career?  I wrote this song about it:


Alternative Nation

* * *

Dear Alternative,

Unfortunately, it appears that your biggest fans are aliens, who are unlikely to have the “major label” connections necessary for commercial success in the music industry.  Your alien encounter may actually end up hurting you: the fame it provides you will not be enough to launch a successful music career, but it will likely disqualify you from amateur spectacles such as American Idol, X Factor, and The Voice.  The main thing that could help you at this point would be actual talent

So are you talented?  This may be difficult to assess.  You say that your music is a hit among aliens, but these aliens may simply be interested in your music as their sole communication from a distant civilization.  And you can’t count on your friends.  Most friends will feel awkward telling you if your music is bad; and the types of friends who are very open about telling you that your music is bad are probably not judging it very objectively.  I guess, then, the only opinion that matters is mine, and I think your song is awesome.  Would you be available to play at my prom?  I’m Canadian, and so there won’t be a lot of big names in the audience, but I’ve heard a rumor that Bryan Adams might make an appearance.

Couldn’t hurt,


  • 17 October 2012
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