DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Betty Ann,

I recently came out of the closet—literally.  I’d like to get into the game, but I’m very insecure about my appearance:

I look like a murderer.  But I hardly ever murder anybody, unless my friends ask me.  I’ll do almost anything for a friend.  In fact, my friend didn’t even have to ask me to murder his uncle—he just said “I’d like to kill whoever took my baseball glove!”  I wasn’t even in the room when he said this, but I knew that, due to a series of misunderstandings, his uncle technically had that baseball glove in his possession.

And that’s just one example of how I’m willing to go above and beyond for my friends.  I’m always building them fences, fixing things around the farm, and running errands for them.

I know my appearance strikes terror into the hearts of the neighborhood crows, but I’m tall and kind, and I think I’d make a really good boyfriend.  I know that if I had a cell phone, for instance, I’d always text back.  I don’t have a cell phone, though, because I don’t make any money off of the hours of backbreaking work I do in the fields every day.  Some might call that slavery, but I just call it being a good friend.

What can I do to get guys to notice me?

Yours,

Silent Servant

* * *

Dear Servant,

Uh oh, looks like somebody forgot to wear sunscreen!  Did you know that up to 90% of visible aging in the skin is caused by sun exposure?  Not to mention skin cancer.  It’s good that you’re wearing a large shadowy hat, but that can’t keep out all of the sun’s harmful rays.  Make sure to apply sunscreen every single time you’re going out to work and reapply frequently.  You only get one face, and you don’t want it to look like a burlap sack.  No offense.

And you don’t have a cell phone?  For gosh sakes, get a cell phone!  I know you don’t have a lot of money right now, but this isn’t the place to cut corners if you’re serious about meeting new people.

The main reason you need a phone, of course, is Grindr.  It will change your life, and all you need are a few face pics, body pics, and dick pics:

  • The face will be tough, obviously.  Try to find lighting that’s flattering but honest, and definitely keep the hat on.
  • The body pics should be a cinch, though—all those long days working in the field are finally paying off!  Most guys won’t care that you are made of straw so long as you have visible abdominal muscles.
  • As for dick pics, just keep it clean and classy.  Remember the cardinal rule: under no circumstances should your face be visible in your dick pics.  It will end up on the internet, and you don’t want it coming back to haunt you.

Now all you gotta do is sit back and wait for your new life to begin!  You’re out on a farm, of course, so do remember not to be too picky.  And if they ask for your profession, just be honest and tell them you’re a slave—to the rhythm!  Nothing gets a gay man all hot and ready like a Grace Jones reference.  I’ve certainly dated enough of them to know.

Hope this helps,

Betty Ann

  • 16 October 2012
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