Have you ever wondered if the Legend of Sleepy Hollow is real? I sure have. I love horses, and the idea of a man who can ride a horse even though he does not have a head is really impressive to me. Accordingly, I have decided not to pursue love in this lifetime and, instead, to save myself for the headless horseman.
It’s tough, though, because every boy wants to date me. Sometimes boys try to impress me by reenacting the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, which makes sense, since we live in Sleepy Hollow. However, no boy has been dedicated enough to remove his head and ride a horse for me—which is what I want. I feel sorey for them because they just don’t get what I’m all aboot. Will I ever find love?
One Head Too Many
* * *
Dear One Head,
I couldn’t help but notice that you and your friends have Canadian accents. This severely disrupts the verisimilitude of an inquiry predicated on American literature and American small-town life. This might also explain why your understanding of American literature seems to be mixed in with a lot of Ballard and Cronenberg—your fetish for headless horseriding could pretty much be ripped from the pages of Crash. Instead of wondering if the Legend of Sleepy Hollow is real, I’d recommend taking some time out to question your own reality. After all, half of learning to love is simply learning to know yourself.