DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Frank,

I’m nervous about my mom’s upcoming wedding.  I feel like she’s rushing into things and ignoring many obvious red flags.  For instance, her new fiancé is a twin.  And what’s weirder than twins?  Werewolf twins.  The man she’s marrying says he’s not a werewolf, but his brother certainly is.  He says he’s dedicated his life to taking care of the werewolf twin, which is all well and good, except this means that I’m going to have to live with a werewolf now.  This is terrifying.  But everytime I express concern about living with a werewolf, my mom says something like, “Well, you’ve always said how much you wanted a dog!”

Frank, this is not a dog.  It is a werewolf.  That is completely not the same thing, and she knows it.  The werewolf has literally killed and eaten all of the neighborhood pets:

And, really, the fact that his twin (my future stepdad!) allowed him to kill all the pets in the neighborhood has got to be in the DSM somewhere.

I try to be happy for my mom.  Dating’s never been easy for her—she has this weird 50’s retro thing going on that’s as unattractive as it is nonsensical:

I want her to find love.  But these men creep me out, and I think I’m going to die.  I also think she will die.  How can I ensure the safety of my family without sabotaging the only good thing that’s happened to my mother in years?

Yours,

Child in Danger

* * *

Dear Dangerous,

It can be hard watching your mother move on to a man who isn’t your father.  In fact, I’d recommend calling your father and telling him all about this awful new fiancé.  The open and obvious danger you’re in might open up a custody battle and could, in any event, ensure your own safety.

Perhaps, however, your father is dead.  If you die, maybe you’ll be able to join him in death—are you religious?  He’d never do anything like this, probably, and that’s what you should focus on right now.

It all sounds pretty unfair.  Guess life isn’t fair when you’re you.

Hope this helps,

Frank

  • 16 October 2012