We’ve recently moved to a new house by the lake, and there’s nothing for us kids to do. Except worship God, of course. Trouble is, my mom’s a devout atheist. This is particularly frustrating because our house is full of ghosts. They live in this spooky old jukebox we found in a spare closet, and every time we play with it, the ghosts compel my little sister to go for a swim—which is bad, because my sister can’t swim. I’m worried that if she drowns, she won’t receive the prayers she needs from my mother in order for her soul to enter into God’s holy light, and that her spirit will be trapped in a purgatorial state for all eternity. How can I get my mother to renounce her evil ways before it’s too late?
* * *
Don’t worry! It’s stressful situations such as these that lead people to religion in the first place. Have you considered taking a free stress test? It sounds like you and your sister are being controlled by “body thetans.” These are alien ghosts that have been roaming the Earth these past 75 million years, following the evil Lord Xenu’s reign of terror. In addition, your sister may be addicted to drugs. Your mom is likely addicted to drugs, too. Are you? I’d recommend renouncing your false gods and sending me all of your money, along with signed confessions of all of your most shameful secrets. My church will retain these things and assign you an entry level shortly. Hope this helps!
Also, if the jukebox has Beck in it, please play “Sexx Laws.”