DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Stig,

My son lives for the macabre.  He’s always pulling elaborate pranks, like sleeping in hearses, or staging his own funeral.  It makes a mother nervous sometimes.  How can I  make sure he doesn’t take his relationship with death to the next level?  Specifically, his behavior strongly evokes Bud Cort at the beginning of Harold & Maude, and I’m worried he’s going to have sex with Ruth Gordon.

I just wish he could be more like his older brother Ryan:

I never worry about him having sex with the elderly.  He could have any young lady he wants.  And his taste in fashion!  Stig, we are a poor family, and we are ill-equipped to dress our sons in anything other than flannel shirts with ripped-off sleeves.  Our younger son, however, demands expensive black suits for his various funereal hobbies:

I’m not sure how much more our bank account can take.  We listen to the radio for entertainment.  I want my sons to feel free to pursue their interests, but how far is too far?

Yours,

Concerned Parent

* * *

Dear Concerned,

Unfortunately, Ruth Gordon has been dead for quite some time.  Your son will have to settle for Gilbert Gottfried:

I know you’d prefer if your son didn’t have sex with any mid-level celebrities, but this isn’t something you can control by simply getting their hobbies in line with what you, as a parent, approve of.  For instance, you know how Ryan likes to go to the old folks’ home every Sunday to read to old Gena Rowlands?

Yep, he’s banging her.

That said, you do you have to teach your younger son about fiscal responsibility.  Perhaps you could encourage him to get a job.  He sounds like he’d be perfect for that spooky old radio station for lost souls, 109.1 FM.  It’s non-profit, and so the salary would be in the low $30k’s, but it would at least get him health insurance in the event that one of his death-embracing pranks went awry.  Otherwise, a couple nights in the hospital are going to make those bills from the tailor seem like chump change.

All things considered, the worst thing you can do as a parent is force a child to give up on his dreams.  He dreams of death.  Your job is simply to encourage him to pursue these dreams via a healthy outlet.  Otherwise, he may end up resenting you for the rest of his life.

Hope this helps,

Stig

  • 12 October 2012
  • 3