DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Gary,

There’s this new girl at school, and I’d like to save her from a fiery death.  I have a door that shows me the future, and in the future, she burns to death.  This would be a shame, since she is pretty.  If she doesn’t die, I feel sure that she’d go with me to the school dance. I’m afraid to ask her out, though.  Every time I try to talk to her, I end up going on and on about fire.  She probably thinks I’m a pyromaniac, but I think she’s a reckless idiot.  What can I do?  I’m not much to look at—I’m still growing—but I’m a really nice guy.  Here’s a picture:

Do you have any advice?

Thanks,

Love on Fire

* * *
Dear Fire Lover,

Your method of dressing makes it look like you have a freakishly tiny skull.  I know you’re still growing and there’s a lot of pressure to appear physically larger than you really are, but most girls would rather burn to death than go to the dance with someone with an ill-proportioned head.

Moreover, to the extent that you’d nonetheless risk your life for this girl, your clothes pose an additional problem: they are so extremely baggy that they could be on fire for hours before you even noticed.  Given her fate, she may be wary of budding love with a walking fire hazard.

The best thing you can do for her and for you is to simply take some time and get your fashion game together.  She may die, but maybe your magic door will allow her charred spirit to pursue you from the grave.  True love transcends tragedy.

Sincerely,

Gary

  • 11 October 2012