Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Sam,

My family just rented out our spare bedroom to a ghost.  He has piercing blue eyes, which he uses to give me creepy looks.  I thought he was after me, but then last night I caught him molesting my grandfather:

I asked the witch next door about it, and she says she wants to see how it “plays out.”  It turns out she dated the ghost when she was younger, but she was always more interested in my grandfather—that is, until my grandfather ended up causing the man’s death.  The circumstances were mysterious, but I can tell she’s never forgiven my grandfather.  And who could blame her?  I can’t imagine what it must’ve been like to lose so much love at once—I’m only 12!  I don’t want the ghost to continue taking sexual advantage of my sleepy grandfather, but I also don’t want to sabotage what may be an old woman’s last chance at love.  What do you think I should do?


Miley Lohan


* * *

Dear Milo,

They say nothing is ever lost—it just comes back in a different way.  I wouldn’t worry about the witch’s love life.  Things have a way of balancing out.  Moreover, the sexual lives of the elderly are a mystery, and who’s to say whether your grandfather isn’t a willing participant in the ghost’s sexual shenanigans?

What you should worry about right now is simply getting out of that house.  It sounds like the adults in your life are nostalgic lunatics who are either unwilling or uninterested in protecting you from potential predators.  Do you have any friends you could stay with until this whole ghost thing clears up?  It never hurts to be careful.

With love,


  • 11 October 2012