DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Tucker,

So I’ve pretty much been trapped in this air duct for the past fifty years.  I was trying to escape from my prison cell but I ended up dying before I got more than forty feet.  It was absolutely horrific at first, but I guess I’m pretty much resigned to it at this point—who am I to question the workings of the spirit world?

I’ve recently come across two step-brothers, however, whom I caught playing in my old cell.  I think with the right amount of prodding, I could convince them to investigate my death.  At the time, everyone just assumed I’d escaped, on account of my reputation as a kind of murderous Houdini.  I think these brothers could finally uncover the mystery and free my spirit.  Unfortunately, it seems like they can’t stop butting heads.  One of them is a popular jock, whereas the other is a nerd.  How will they ever resolve their differences?

Yours,

One-Eyed Jack

* * *

Dear One-Eye,

Have you considered encouraging the nerd to go to law school?  It sounds like you have a negligence suit on your hands.  To the extent that the tunnel was readily available through your cell, it was an obvious hazard.  And what kind of prison allows a human body to rot in its air vents?  It will be difficult to get standing as a ghost—and the statute of limitations has likely passed—but I’m sure with the right amount of research and an effective advocate, you could find a court that would be amenable to your claim.

As for the jock, his life probably isn’t as “perfect” as it may seem from the outside.  Likely, he’s having trouble adjusting to his new family situation, and being popular sometimes only adds to the pressure.  Without a solid support system, kids like this often turn to alcohol and drugs.  Consider luring him into your death tunnel with some really dank weed.  Perhaps you can be the “cool dad” he feels he’s lost to second marriage, and maybe this will mellow him out enough to get him to stop terrorizing his new step-brother.  After all, he may find that he needs the lawyer’s help one day when he needs to make a down payment on a house.  Step by step, day by day.

Hope this helps,

Tucker

  • 11 October 2012