DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Kiki,

I can be a real bitch sometimes, I guess.  It’s just part of being hot—not that I was always this way.  I used to be the most average girl in school, until I ran into a mysterious, burqa-clad sorceress after track one day.  She vowed to give me anything I wanted (shoes) in exchange for something I “didn’t value.”  This sounded like a pretty good deal to me!

Ever since, I’ve been excelling at everything I try, including getting a date with the captain of the soccer team:

Jealous?

Unfortunately, the witch didn’t specify precisely what it was she took, and I suspect it was my sexual health.  For instance, I’ve started breaking out in Kaposi’s Sarcoma tumors:

I’m still excited about my upcoming date, but I’m worried I’ll die of AIDS.  That would be humiliating—and the other girls at school would never let me hear the end of it.  They’re already out to get me because I’m beautiful and mean.  What can I do?

Yours,

Death Comes for Heather

* * *

Dear Heather,

Don’t sweat it!  It sounds like you’ve contracted “magic” AIDS, which isn’t nearly as fatal as the regular kind.  It’s still extremely contagious, of course, but it should clear up once you learn an important lesson.  In the meantime, Kaposi’s Sarcoma is immensely treatable, and it sounds like you’ve got the world on a string.  Maybe it’s time to live a little and stop letting jealous haters get you down.

Sincerely,

Kiki

  • 9 October 2012
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