I don’t want to brag, but I look exactly like Tiffany. I am smart and popular. However, my mother expects me to share a room this summer with my out-of-town cousin (whose parents are some sort of scientists). She is hopeless, and it is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to me. The other day, I even caught her trying to shake hands with my nanny—that filthy, contaminated old hand! I’m too old for a nanny, and I wish she’d just drop dead like her daughter. My nanny’s daughter haunts the mirrors in the house next door, and yesterday she spent the whole night writing the words “HELP ME” backwards all over the walls. Now guess who’s expected to clean it up? That’s right: me. Sometimes I wish everyone would just die! What can I do?
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Dear Cousin Beth,
Part of being fabulous is understanding when you’re a supporting character—and adjusting your performance accordingly. Are you sure you’re privy to all the relevant plot points? For instance, it sounds like the ghost is calling out for help. Does this ghost know that her mother (your nanny) is living right next door? It might make sense to stage a reunion; however, I’d be wary of stealing the thunder of whoever the real protagonist of this story is.
In any event, it sounds like you’re finally realizing that looking like Tiffany isn’t all fun and games. I’d recommend consulting the fantastic, heartbreaking 2008 documentary I Think We’re Alone Now, which delves into the lives of two die-hard Tiffany fanatics and the relationship of polite distance the now-obscure pop star has forged with them. Perhaps you, too, can learn to be gracious to your admirers.