DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Kiki,

I love my new typewriter.  Almost as much as I love this girl from school.  My friend says I’ll never get her if I can’t stop being such a spaz.  I’m always bumping into her and fumbling for words when I’m around her.  I only truly feel comfortable when I’m writing, and I’m worried the old cliché is true: the writer never gets the girl—unless he’s writing it.  Is there any way to translate my writing skills into the skills I need to make my crush notice me?  My typewriter is magic and makes my stories come alive.

Sincerely,

Struggling Writer

* * *

Dear Struggling Writer,

A typewriter?  Sounds pretty hipster.  Have you considered Warby Parkers?  If you’ve decided to become a writer, you’re almost certainly unattractive.  However, you’re lucky to live in an era in which the young and hip are practically required to conceal half their faces with enormous frames.  Have you hit puberty?  There’s no face that glasses and a beard can’t rescue.

Also, your friend sounds like a real cockblock.  Consider using your magic typewriter to get rid of him—he can’t steal your girl if he’s buried alive!

I know that it’s tough to make it as a writer these days, but don’t give up on your dreams, or your imagination.

Yours,

Kiki

  • 7 October 2012