Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Eric,

I am a shape-shifting demon who lives in the basement.  I’ve lately been trying to eat the young boy upstairs, but he keeps escaping my evil clutches.

In the meantime, I’ve noticed that the boy is the frequent victim of numerous bullies—neighborhood kids, even his little sister.  I suspect that he makes an obvious target due to his gender-atypical behavior.  For example, I recently tried to lure him into the root cellar with a life-sized talking doll seeking someone to “come play” with her, and it was far more effective than I would’ve guessed:

He was totally gonna do it!  By contrast, my attempts to lure him in via more traditionally masculine means—e.g. by taking the form of an amiable skeleton—have proven less effective:

Which brings me to my question.  Would it set a bad example if I bribed the boy to feed me one of these gay-bashing bullies?  I know that murdering bullies not particularly P.C. these days, but neither is homophobia.  Perhaps I could give him a new bike.  I am very hungry.


Hungry Skeletor

* * *

Dear Skeletor,

I simply cannot emphasize enough how huge an impact moving out of the basement would have on your life.  There is a huge world full of potential victims—me, for instance—and you don’t need to settle for just whatever comes along.  If you’re willing to dispense with a bicycle in exchange for a single meal, I’m guessing money is not an issue.  So what’s keeping you there?  Maybe if you answered that question, you wouldn’t feel so compelled to live vicariously through this young homosexual.

All the best,


  • 5 October 2012