DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear David,

Me and my sister are trying to fit in at this new boarding school, but everyone here worships lizards.  I hate the stuffy uniforms they make us wear, and I feel excluded when the students sneak down to the basement at night to care for the eggs.  The worst of it is that the lizards are, like, allergic to rock music—I’m not even allowed to have a Walkman!  I tried to run away, but they locked me in the basement, and now the “mother” lizard is after me.  I feel like things aren’t working out, but I’m afraid to ask my parents to transfer.  Should I murder the lizard queen?

Guide me,

Lonely Lizard Food

* * *

Dear Lonely,

Man, have I been there.  I know you want friends, but you can’t let them pressure you into bringing about the destruction and enslavement of the entire human race.  I know it’s hard to come into a new group of kids with your own beliefs and attitudes—it can be tempting to change simply to fit in—but it’s actually a great opportunity to assess your priorities.  Murdering the lizard queen may not win you immediate friends, but it will certainly earn respect from your peers.  And sometimes that’s just as important.

Sincerely,

David

  • 4 October 2012