I’m smart and beautiful—and deaf! I really like this guy, but all he does is make fun of me for being deaf. Do you have any advice on how I could woo him? He looks exactly like the kid from Free Willy. Also, we are trapped in a human zoo run by aliens.
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Dear Deaf Girlfriend,
You shouldn’t feel bad about being deaf. There are literally dozens of real-life situations in which being deaf is actually better than not being deaf, and you simply need to demonstrate this to your ersatz Jason James Richter. For instance, have you noticed that your alien captors are using high frequency sound waves to control their human subjects? Perhaps you could use that to your advantage!
Furthermore, aliens are notorious for providing lush accommodations. Have you tried out the Dr. Caligari room?
Looks like you don’t need my help anymore.