Dear Betty Ann,
It has recently come to my attention that I lack facial features and have flippers for hands. Also, my brother beats me at everything! Like when we play hockey—he always wins. It is really hurting my self-esteem. I think it’s because I’m adopted. Would a makeover help? Here is a picture:
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Dear Alien Weirdo,
You are beautiful just the way you are! Makeovers only perpetuate the camera and mirror industries, which—as we all know—have built their empires on a mountain of lies. Perhaps you can use your latent telekinetic powers to beat your brother at hockey.
Hope this helps,