DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Dear Betty Ann,

It has recently come to my attention that I lack facial features and have flippers for hands.  Also, my brother beats me at everything!  Like when we play hockey—he always wins.  It is really hurting my self-esteem.  I think it’s because I’m adopted.  Would a makeover help?  Here is a picture:

Thanks,

Alien Weirdo

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Dear Alien Weirdo,

You are beautiful just the way you are!  Makeovers only perpetuate the camera and mirror industries, which—as we all know—have built their empires on a mountain of lies.  Perhaps you can use your latent telekinetic powers to beat your brother at hockey.

Hope this helps,

Betty Ann