DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Dear Eric,

My voice keeps cracking, and I’m worried I’m hitting puberty.  I make my living as a child actor in local productions, and this would spell the end of my career.  Are there any drugs I could take to delay the onset of puberty?  I asked my local dwarf botanist, but he got mad at me and ran off.  Also, my ears have grown pointy.

Thanks,

Jake

* * *

Dear Jake,

Don’t worry!  It sounds to me like you’re not hitting puberty at all but are, rather, being slowly poisoned by a leprechaun preparing to eat your soul.  I know Old Man Erin may seem like a harmless pedophile, but that tea he’s been feeding you has more than just GHB in it.  I learned all about this from my recently deceased grandfather. Answering questions like this helps me preserve his memory.

As ever,

Eric