DEAR MIDNIGHT SOCIETY,

Life advice, via Are You Afraid of the Dark (index) (random)

Dear Gary,

My boyfriend recently bought me a pair of expensive sunglasses for our two-week anniversary.  I like him, but I’m worried that things are moving too fast.  How can I tell him that I need space without hurting his feelings?

Also, every time I put on the glasses, funk music starts playing, and I see large black figures beckoning me into an alternate universe.  I hope this doesn’t sound racist—my boyfriend’s black!  I am not racist.

Help please,

Super Spec Girl

* * *

Dear Super Spec Girl,

It sounds like your glasses are defective.  This is a perfect excuse to return the gift.  After explaining the defects to your boyfriend, you can slip in that maybe it’s too early in the relationship to be exchanging expensive gifts.

Hope this helps,

Gary

* * *

Dear Gary,

I tried to return the glasses but they just kept coming back—they turn my peripheral vision into rainbows!  The black figures took over our dimension, and they trapped us in a crystal ball, and now my boyfriend’s asking me to marry him.  Things are moving too fast!

Also, I’m beginning to have more substantive problems with the relationship.  For instance, I recently caught him trying to flush a large velvet bag down the toilet:

I’m worried he might be retarded.  Again, I don’t want to sound racist.

I am feeling trapped, both physically and emotionally.

More help please,

Super Spec Girl

* * *
Dear Super Spec Girl,

It sounds like you are inventing problems and overanalyzing the situation.  Try to step back and remember what you liked about your boyfriend in the first place.  Are these things still important to you?  If not, you should have a talk with him, but it seems unlikely that you’ve really changed that much over a mere two weeks!  Love can be scary sometimes—I’m guessing this is your first relationship?—but if you want to be happy, you have to learn to give love a chance.  This is something that will help you throughout the course of this and any other future relationships you might have.

As far as the black figures go, have you tried simply reversing the spell?  Or perhaps there’s some sort of trick you can do with mirrors.  In any event, I’m sure you’ve learned your lesson and won’t do it again!

Good luck,

Gary

  • 3 October 2012