I couldn’t help empathizing with Youth in Decay’s earlier inquiry. Do you have any tips or tricks as to how I, too, might design a machine that would suck out the youth of my houseguests?
Young at Heart
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Dear Young at Heart,
No sweat! As far as materials go, all you need is sheet metal, glass tubes, a curly phone cord, a soundboard, a couple of murphy beds, some old timey watches and dials, hundreds of mirror-cameras, and one of those metal pods from The Fly—if you’re like me, you probably already have all these things hiding out in a box in the attic! Also, don’t forget to include lots and lots of pictograms, so as to explain to any potential onlookers exactly what’s happening.
Perhaps, however, your parents have divorced and you no longer have an attic—or perhaps you have declined in popularity and are facing severe budget cuts. Another option, then, is to procure a mystical mirror, as in Betty Ann’s late-era Tale of the Mystical Mirror. This is actually quite a bit simpler. Once you’ve gotten the mirror, all you have to do is collect three young beauties, lure them back to your house, hypnotize them with said mystical mirror, feed them a special elixir that turns them into dogs, cut out the tongues of those dogs, and then eat those tongues. If this sounds gross, it’s because gross is supposed to be Betty Ann’s “thing.”
Either way, enjoy your youth! You’ll only have it forever!
P.S. Hope you don’t mind, but I’m wearing a dress!!